This post may be more detailed than
most people would ever want to read. But somehow I feel that getting all my
memories and thoughts written down will help clear my mind and help me
understand my own experience better.
On Thursday, November 7, 2019, while
doing a self-exam, I noticed a lump in my right breast. I wanted to ignore it
thinking "Is this really a lump?", and I pretty much ignored it for
the first day. I got ready and headed into work. While at work I got totally
absorbed in my day and didn't think of it again until late at night. After my
normal time on my exer-cycle, I finished a few things for work and got ready
for bed. In the quiet moments before going to sleep, the thought of the lump
came back. I did another self-exam, and sure enough it was still there. After a
brief internet search, I knew I needed to contact my doctor.
On Friday, November 8th,
I emailed my doctor early in the morning. Dr. Prodromou is very good at responding
to emails. Within a short time he responded that I should come in and that he
still had openings for the day. I was able to get an appointment for 4:45 PM. Some
years ago, I had gone through a needle biopsy for a lump found in a mammogram.
That one came back negative, so of course I wanted to assume that this would be
the same. But this time I had a feeling that this one just seemed different.
Mitch went with me to the appointment. After his examination Dr. Prodromou
recommended that I get a diagnostic mammogram and sonogram. We walked over to that
office to try to make an appointment, but the area where we needed to schedule it
had just closed. So we called and left a message for the referred person.
Saturday and Sunday were so difficult.
I couldn't get my mind off it. It was hard to control my thoughts from going to
the worst case scenario. I made myself busy around the house and proceeded to
tick off boxes on a "to do list" of things I needed to do. For once I
was grateful that I had procrastinated getting things done, and so I had an
organized list to keep me focused. I didn't want to share my concerns with the
kids yet, as I knew I was doing enough worrying for all. Mitch was encouraging
and patient with my roller coaster of emotions. The eternal optimist, he said
not to worry until we had more information, and reminded me of one of his
favorite quotes: “One who suffers before
it is necessary, suffers more than is
necessary”. Saturday evening I was grateful to put my mind on other things, and
also for the opportunity to bring dinner to a sweet member of my church who had
been through some difficult surgery. It is true how serving others really
helps. This helped to get my mind off myself.
Generally my weekends go by quickly,
but this one just dragged on. On Sunday, I didn't feel like being around
people. I thought about staying home from church, but I decided to get ready anyway
and then make the decision later. Mitch drove to church early in his own car so
that he could rehearse with the Ward choir. When it came time for me to decide,
I did go, but it was really difficult for some reason. Generally I feel peace
when I go to church. But this time I couldn't wait for it to be over. After the
meetings, I quickly left so that I could avoid talking to anyone for fear I
might burst into tears. And the rest of the day dragged on. I knew I was
worrying over something for which I didn't have enough information. Part of it
was feeling out of control. I wanted to tackle the issue and do something about
it right away, but I didn't even know when my next appointment would be.
On Monday, November 11th,
I got a call from the person scheduling the diagnostic mammogram and sonogram.
They didn't have an appointment in Sunnyvale until the 21st. Not
only could I not emotionally wait that long, but I had a planned week-long work
trip to London, and I was set to leave that Saturday the 16th, which
would require an even later appointment after my return. I told them I couldn’t
wait that long and asked for information on other locations that I could
contact. After a lot of waiting on hold and the frustration of having my call
being dropped when they transferred me, I finally got through to the right
person. After searching their schedule carefully they were able to offer me an
appointment for the next day (Tuesday) at a nearby location in Palo Alto. I was
so happy! Finally I felt a sense of control again, and I was able to concentrate
at work.
On Tuesday, November 12th,
Mitch drove me to my diagnostic appointment. I was in a peaceful mood, but I knew
that it wouldn't take much for my emotions to come pouring out. The monogram
was first. During that, the technician left the room a couple times to check
with the doctor and would then come back and do more pictures. Then I went into
a waiting room for the sonogram. Everyone was so sweet and caring. I felt like
I was in good hands. This calmed me down. I had been through a diagnostic
sonogram before. But this time the technician seemed to be looking with more
intent. Then she looked under my arms, and I knew that this was a danger area where
cancer can spread through the lymphatics.
The technician left to check with
the doctor, then came back and asked if I would mind if the doctor came in. Of
course I didn't mind. The doctor then guided the technician for various other views.
Dr. Vida Campbell was personable and answered the questions that I asked. I
wanted to ask a lot of things, but at the time I just couldn’t seem to ask them
all. I did ask her about the size of the lump. Dr. Campbell said there were two
of them and that one was 2 cm. She mentioned that they appeared to be “contained”,
which I took to be relatively positive news.
The next step she suggested was to
do a biopsy, and she said that she could do it right then. My eyes teared up,
and she said we could do it later if that felt better. I told her that the
tears were because I was relieved that we were making progress and that waiting
and wondering had been the most painful part of this. I didn't even have time
to get nervous as they prepped me for the procedure. The biopsy was not a pleasant
experience, but it was over quickly. They then did another mammogram to be sure
that the marker left behind was in the right place. They scheduled me to see a
Nurse Navigator the upcoming Friday. I was so happy to be done with this part,
but the now waiting began again.
Mitch had been in the waiting area
for several hours, wondering what was taking so long. I was feeling great
relief as we left the office until I received a call from them a few minutes
later. The doctor had looked at the pictures in more detail and now asked for
some more of the other (left) side. They wanted me to come back on Friday.
Since I was already coming back then to meet with the Nurse Navigator, they
said they would arrange the appointments so they were back to back.
Mitch stayed home with me the rest
of the day to help me emotionally and with the hourly icing of the biopsy area.
I was so grateful to be home and to have some work to do, as it gave me
something to really concentrate on. I had not yet told anyone (at work, church
or family) what was going on.
Waiting yet again became more and
more difficult. But once again, work during the day helped me take my mind off
what was going on medically. The next couple of days were very busy because two
of my executives, who are generally remote, were both in the office, and I was
still wrapping up preparations for the London trip. Since I had missed some
work I did tell Lindsay, my co-worker, about it. On Thursday I also told Shah,
the executive I report to. His wife had gone through something similar. He told
me that taking care of myself was far more important than work, and that if I
needed to stay home from London, to not think twice about it. It is so
wonderful to have such great support at work.
Friday, November 15th,
was a very long day for both Mitch and me. We thought we would be gone from work
for a couple hours, and then I would have time to get things caught up and
packed for London (leaving the next day). Returning to the Palo Alto clinic, we
started with another mammogram, this time concentrating on the left side. I
knew by now that they knew if I had
cancer or not, but I didn’t ask.
I had a different technician this
time. She asked if I minded if she had someone join the exam who was in
training. In my head I really didn't want someone else there, but I didn't have
enough energy to even say no. Somehow saying OK was easier. Of course it took a
bit of extra time with her explaining what she was doing. I just wanted to get
through that part of it. But I kept my patience and was polite. Afterwards, she
then gave me an extra robe for the front and walked me to a room where the
doctor could talk to me. I asked her to bring in my husband. Mitch said that he
had been quite positive about this entire thing until he heard them call him
back. Then he knew it was not going to be good news.
We had a couple minutes together
before the doctor came in. He held my hand and put his arms around me. I
somehow felt more in control with him near me. Dr. Campbell summarized what
they knew so far -- that one lump was cancerous. But she quickly pointed out
that we had caught it early, and she was very positive and encouraging that the
lesser surgery (lumpectomy) would take care of it. This is the second time I
cried. The tears were more relieved and happy just to finally have some answers
and to know that from all they could see it was most likely stage one.
Dr. Campbell shared the views of
the lumps from my right side and also the calcium crystals deep in my left side
that were suspicious. She said it would be valuable to do another biopsy of the
crystals on my left side, and they could do that right then. I was again
relieved to just get it done. They contacted the nurse navigator to let her
know that I would be over a bit later than planned.
The doctor told me that for this
procedure I would be face down on a table that had a hole in it and that I
would have to lie very still. I had seen the table she was talking about, since I had walked by this room before and thought to myself how glad I was that I didn't
have to get on that table! Now I was headed there myself for a mammogram-guided
needle biopsy. It was not comfortable, but I was grateful to be getting all the
tests that may be needed.
We then headed over to the Lee
building to meet with the nurse navigator, Michelle Crowell. I had no idea how
wonderful this would be. Michelle started out by telling us that this meeting would
take a good two hours. I was glad that she said that upfront. It helped me
settle in and be ready to do my best to absorb all that would be said. She went
through a tremendous amount of detail about breast cancer in general, the
testing, the findings, and treatment options. She stated that the purpose of a
nurse navigator is to guide the patient through the whole process from start to
finish. Various doctors would be involved along the way, as they performed
their specialized duties, but the nurse navigator would always know everything
that was going on and be my “point” person for all questions and issues. It was
amazing to have Mitch there to help me listen. She also gave us a binder with
all my test results, brochures on various treatments and topics, my
appointments, and a large book all about Breast Cancer.
She set up my first appointments
with a breast surgeon, oncologist, radiation oncologist, and a genetic
counselor. I felt more positive when this was all done, and I had no doubt that
I was going to attack this disease right away. I also realized that my trip to
London was a huge inconvenience and distraction and should be canceled. I
called Lindsay, my coworker, and she helped me notify some people so that they could
take over for me. It was now 3:30 PM, so I called Shah to let him know the
diagnosis and that I would not be going to London. Of course he was
totally supportive and caring.
Mitch and I were hungry by this
time so we stopped by Lulu's in Los Altos on our way home. I looked around me
at the people in the restaurant and wondered what personal issues they may each
be dealing with. The thoughts in my mind kept circling around the fact that I
have cancer. I was in a fighting mode and determined to learn everything I need
to learn and get every appointment that needed to be set up. I felt so grateful
for the nurse navigator and the help that Michelle had already given me. My
first two appointments were set up and I was expecting calls to set up two
more.
I don't know what I would have done
without my husband at this time. It was helpful to have him with me to hear
everything that we needed to know at the time. Mitch was just as interested in
reading through all the material as I was. I felt like we were a team and that we
would fight this together. I had a couple things I needed to get done since I
was cancelling my trip to London. One was to get someone else to carry some
items to the event. Mitch drove me to Saratoga where my co-worker lived to drop
them off for him to bring. Then we both laid down for a bit. The day was
overwhelming and we were both tired. I rested, but I didn't sleep.
As if we didn’t have enough already
on our plates, that evening we went to see "Miss Saigon", since we
already had season tickets for Broadway San Jose. But this felt like the perfect
thing to get my mind off of of the events of the day and to escape a bit from
my thoughts. I was not able to completely clear my mind, but it was good to get
out.
For the first time that night I
looked in the mirror and said "I have cancer". As I kept looking at
myself I was determined that this would not define me. Although, I felt like a
different person, I was determined to be a better person. I was very grateful
for the knowledge of the purpose of our lives here on Earth and how it helps me
put my experiences in true perspective. I felt the warmth of my Father in
Heaven, and I am more determined than ever to live a Christ-like life. I felt
like I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. I wanted to let out the emotions, but
they wouldn't come. I think part of me wanted to be "strong" and that
part would not let me cry.
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